Reflection Time

Earlier this evening I secured my first gym membership. Gold's Gym. Real excited. Then, about 8:30pm, I ate a Culver's Deluxe, fried cheese curds and a small chocolate malt. This illustrates quite nicely the tension between the man that I am and the man I want to be.

Reflection time.

I'm still surprised I ran a 10k and ran it as well as I did. But...part of me wishes I had the awe and wonder that I did back in July when I started training for the 5k. (This is where I get kind of nervous about being honest, so please bear with me. These are MY thoughts, so please don't think I'm coming down on anyone in particular.) I feel like 6.4 miles is great, but it's no 1/2 marathon, ya know? Like, I feel like actual runners are thinking, "Oh, that's cute; a 10k." That's just my insecurity talking, I know, because I've had nothing but encouragement this whole time. In my mind, a 10k doesn't feel very far and that's what I mean about the awe and wonder. If you'd said in July that I would run over 6 miles in about in hour, I would have peed my pants. It would've been as if you'd told me I would beat Kobayashi in the Nathan's hot dog eating contest. Disgusting.

So, why do I feel so differently now? For one thing, I know I do a lot of comparison. I see other people run effortlessly and feel like I should be able to do so as well. And sometimes I feel like I'm chasing the Gomers (twogomers.com, if you didn't know). They ran a 1/2 and I would like to run a half. And if they run a full and I don't...what does that say about me? NOTHING. I know that, intellectually. There's no reason for me to compare myself or my abilities with anybody else. Because, if that's the case, I might as well just stop now. But, it's difficult. It's difficult to be secure in who you are. At least it is for me.

Which leads to...what do I like about running? Why do I do it?

The biggest thing for me, I think, is the sense of accomplishment. The feeling after finishing that run or that race. I like the feeling of being dedicated to something, too. Getting up early and going out to run. People think it's crazy and I kinda like that. It also gives me something to write about, which I like. And, honest to a fault...I like the encouragement. Who doesn't like to hear a "great job!" or a "way to go!" every now and then?

Part of me, though, thinks there are bigger fish to fry now. And if not bigger, at least other. There are so many things I'd like to do. I'm trying to write more (besides the blog). Pieces to submit to magazines and websites. Perhaps write a book. I've been writing more poetry lately, too. That form has always intrigued me, so why not take the time to really learn about it and practice it? I used to do a podcast where I'd read a chapter of the Bible every day and I'd like to start that up again sometime. There were people all over that world that subscribed to that and wrote to tell me how much it meant to them. I also love the idea of creating greeting cards. I even submitted an idea to a Hallmark contest not too long ago.

Then there's ministry. I'm actually a pastor, if you didn't know. I want to be able to dedicate my time and energy to my church, to my people. To invest in them. To lead them well. And to learn from them. And I'm going to Haiti in a month. A MONTH. That's crazy. Crazy exciting. Not to mention the ministry I have to my family. Am I leading them well? Creating a great story for my kids to live in? Enabling my wife to feel safe and encouraging her to soar?

It all gets to be too much sometimes. So many awesome things I would like to do, but then "life gets in the way." What a horrible way to look at it. I guess it comes back to what it always comes back to: Am I spending my time well? Do I look back on my day and regret what I spent my time on? Sometimes, yes. Sometimes, no.

I want it to always be no.

That brings me here. What's next? And I'm sorry to say...I don't know yet. I know I'll keep running. I know that I want to run a half. That will take a lot of time, but I think I have plenty. The last month of my 10k training kind of dragged, so I know I could train for a race in May or June with no problems. I need to run it for the right reasons, though, and honestly, I'm not sure I would be if I made the decision right now. I need to evaluate my priorities. Maybe there are other goals that need to take first priority right now. Whatever I do, I know I need to be aggressive. That's what it takes to create change.

And quickly...Thank you SO MUCH to everybody that has taken the time to read my ramblings and that has posted encouraging comments and helpful tips. You mean the world to me!

So, this is not quite the end. I'll be back to share what decisions I make. I have a lot of thinking and a lot of praying to do.

Plus, I need to work off that burger, fried cheese curds and chocolate malt. Maybe that should be my next goal.

Ryan